Dear future husband,

They say every cloud has a silver lining… maybe even racist, bigoted clouds like @realDonaldTrump. (Is that even possible? I don’t know.) Since mama said “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say nothing at all”, we won’t call him a sniveling sexist or even a turd burglar with hair that looks like a boneless squirrel. Instead, we will let you in on a little epiphany that can take everything that pisses you off about Donald Trump and give you a few pointers on how by NOT being like Trump, you can trump out every other husband for that number one spot in our hearts…

Don’t Say Perverted Things About Other People… Even When No One is Listening.

They were just a few rich, privileged guys on a bus sounding off about some actress in really vulgar language. You’ve heard the tapes by now. If I ever heard you saying this kind of nonsense going on behind my back, no amount of money in the world would keep me from cutting you off. Seriously. Ride is closed. Long story short, I love you… but don’t make statements about other people that make you sound like a pervert in the bushes because this is a great way to end up being a single pervert in the bushes. Not only is it bad for our marriage… it makes you look like a turd. Don’t be a turd.

Don’t Name Call.

It’s no secret that most of us women are “with her” and for very good reason. When Trump gets mad, he starts slinging derogatory words like Spongebob slings hash. Hilary, on the other hand, gets angry with that look of superiority on her face that you may have witnessed on me once or twice. She then laughs as if to say, “You are a shameful citizen and I am just going to sit here while you make yourself look worse than I ever could.” Yes… fighting dirty means that nobody wins. However, refraining from using name calling even if I am letting the zingers fly can help you to win out in the end. Once the guilt sets in, I will be kissing your ass… and I may even do that thing in the bedroom that you like so much. I know you already know exactly what I am talking about. No – we can’t get in a fake fight.

Don’t Act Like You Have a License to Be a Dick.

When guys get around their friends something gross happens… their chests puff out about 10 extra inches and they get out their rulers to, ehm, have a measuring contest of who is the more obnoxious guy in the room. (Sounds like every Trump rally, like ever, right?)  This may have worked for you in the past. That’s fine, but when you start ragging on other people it makes me think you are a caveman and all those sweet things you say behind closed doors look like mountains of unicorn lies. You don’t have a license to be a dick just because you are around your friends. Wait… scratch that. You NEVER have a license to be a dick.

Don’t Threaten to “Put Up a Wall.”

Walls create rifts between happy people and this tells me that walls SUCK… especially the wall Trump wants to put up here in the States. Not only is it ridiculous, but it is also hurtful to a lot of people. I never want to have walls in our marriage. I get that you need your space, but let me know that you are looking forward to connecting with me after you get that space. Nothing hurts worse than feeling like you don’t want to be in the same zip code with me. It helps if you text me once or twice when you are out with your buddies to say that you are thinking of me. It helps even more if you score dinner on the way back home.

I am marrying you because I think that you are the perfect candidate for spending the rest of an amazing life with. I cannot wait to be newlyweds, hide beneath sheets all day and commit our lives to Netflix marathons and eating out of the microwave. I promise that if you love me as much as I love you, I will love you right back… even if you start wearing a boneless squirrel on your head.


Your future wife